After 4 months aways from this place I have to say nothing has changed. There was nothing more endearing than to see my mother and sister waiting for me when i turned the corner after a whole days worth of traveling. Frankly I was happy to be on the ground after questioning the reliability of the tiny plane I arrived on. But I could not hold back my happiness that came with being able to hold my mom and sister in arms and wails of joy and healed heartache echoed throughout the abandoned airport lobby, and I knew then that these people are the ones who are always going to be waiting right around the corner for me with open arms... I've never felt more loved then I did in that moment, and my heart never so full.
Seeing him maybe didn't result in loud cries of joy, but offered a whole entirely new sensation.
I had just called him to see if he had made it to the train station..." I'm getting on the train right now" he said. My heart skipped a beat, he was so close... but where was he?... As a man walked down the aile... phone still against my ear I spotted the head of a young man hidden walking behind him. The man finally took a seat only to reveal the one boy who for 4 months my heart has been aching for, my eyes have been crying for, my body longing to touch, my hands to caress and my lips only to kiss. And when our eyes met I knew we were both wondering if this was really happening. So many months of only getting to here each other's voices, made us question if there really was someone waiting on the other side. There was indeed someone waiting, and he was right there standing in front of my eyes. I dropped my phone and ran to wrap my arms around him not caring if I held up the line of passengers waiting to find a seat. We stood there in each others arms and just held each other not wanting to let go. We sat down but only to let the line of people pass otherwise we could have stayed in that position forever. The whole ride home he held me whispering sweet nothings in my ear, each of us relishing in the moment, in the safeness, and thankfulness for being in the arms of the one you love. In that moment this boy is everything I need, he is my present and my future...in that moment he is 'the one".
On the ride home a feeling of guiltiness casted over me. I knew that he had been faithful...I wanted to erase the hazy memories I had of me drunkenly flirting in my selfish loneliness. I tried as hard as I could to tuck them away in hopes of hiding from myself who I really was and what I had done.
Someone once told me that if you really love someone you wont allow yourself to be unfaithful... and if this is true than to my horror it means I don't love him. But sometimes I ask myself if it is impossible for some people to truly love someone...like myself. And I ask myself if it's possible that due to past experience, and heartache if loving someone is just an unattainable goal that one can waste their whole life searching for... never really knowing why they can't find love. In this case it's an enormous risk to sacrifice something that feels so real for something you're not even sure you will find.
Maybe for somepeople being loved is enough. Of course they will never be able to give the other person the love they deserve but in someway there is a mutual sacrifice of love of some kind. In this case to the people that say there is someone out there for everyone... what if your someone's someone is not you?
There are a lot of questions I have yet to find the answer to, but until then... I will try to love as much as my weak heart will allow, and I will continue to be loved, and listen to the sweet nothings he whispers in my ear.
